Why It Can Be Hard to Talk About Miscarriage

As a society we tend to speak openly about most health conditions, including those that many used to steer away from like AIDS, but that’s often not the case for miscarriage. Death, loss and sexual health are all topics that can make people uncomfortable, but that silence can leave some women feeling isolated or disconnected, when in fact, there are people around every turn who’ve been through the same thing.

Miscarriages are common, happening in up to 20% of pregnancies. Research points to an even higher percentage (30%) because sometimes a pregnancy ends before the person knows they’re pregnant. By definition a miscarriage is the sudden loss of pregnancy before the 20th week, and 80% happen before the 12th-13th week, most commonly because of chromosomal abnormalities preventing the embryo from developing properly.

Many women plan to wait until they are past that “safer” 12-week mark to share their pregnancy news, which unfortunately means they can be left to work through the loss alone, too, without a circle of people who know what has happened or that they were ever pregnant at all. There is also still a stigma attached to miscarriage for some, as though they did something wrong. For example, one common misconception is that stress can cause a miscarriage.

Some people have one miscarriage and then go on to have healthy pregnancies while others suffer loss after loss. Some may be physically OK after a few days, while it may take others’ bodies weeks to recover. The same goes for recovering emotionally. You may feel grief and sadness at the time but move on rather quickly, while others continue to grieve for years. While it’s a personal journey with different variables, one common thread is needing support. But without any real encouragement to talk about it or guidance on how to walk through it, many women and their partners carry on silently. Here is some guidance:

If you share, it’s on your own timeline. If you need help from family or friends while recovering, you may opt to tell them what’s going on immediately. Or you may keep your loss private until you’ve processed it.

How you tell people is personal. Texting about your loss might be less painful, or you might decide to tell one close friend and ask him or her to share with a bigger circle. Some people take to social media as a way of both informing their network and finding support from others.

Share how much or how little you’re comfortable with. Some people may ask questions or for more information that you’re not ready to or don’t want to share, and that’s fine. You may share incrementally too, at first just saying “I wanted to let you know I had a miscarriage,” and then later on opening up more about your experience.

It may be hard, but ask for specific support if you know what would help. It could be needing someone to sit with you and listen to you recount the past 48 hours in detail. It could be someone taking your other children out for the day to give you space to heal alone.

Talk to your other children in an honest, age-appropriate way. If you’ve shared the exciting news about a new baby with them, you’ll need to have his tough conversation too, when you’re ready. Kids may pick up on something going on and could have questions. For younger children, you could start with something like “The baby didn’t grow big enough to be born,” For an older child, you could start with “The baby was not strong enough to live outside my belly, and that means it died, but I’m going to be OK.” For even older kids, you could get into the anatomy and science side of things, explaining more about pregnancy complications and chromosomal abnormalities. Regardless of age, make sure it’s clear that it is no one’s fault, no one did anything wrong, and it’s OK to be sad.

Lean on your healthcare provider. They’re there to answer questions and get you connected to resources as you work through the loss. Researchers are also working on a new mental health screening tool specifically for reproductive loss, similar to the existing screening for postpartum depression. This new set of questions for providers would screen patients experiencing a pregnancy loss for mental health issues like anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation and post-traumatic stress.

After a miscarriage, be prepared that you may hear some unhelpful, and even hurtful, comments from people who simply don’t know what else to say or think they’re being helpful, e.g. “Well at least you know you can get pregnant.” Talking with friends who have had miscarriages can help you feel less alone, but realize that at first, some of those in your network may not say anything because they don’t know what to say or are afraid of saying the wrong thing and upsetting you more. Outside of your immediate circle, there are also Facebook groups that can be a source of support, as well as books like “I Had a Miscarriage,” written by a psychologist who specializes in pregnancy loss and has lived through it, too.